The reality setting in...dealing with the loss...

I think the shloshim is much harder than the shiva period. You have all these people visiting, telling you stories etc.. My mother's passing seems all the more real every time I take the bimah and say kadish. I have to remind myself why am I doing this? I never imagined it happening this soon. You have to take minyan a lot more seriously now as well. I had to daven with a fever for several days now. I'm sure you can find people who might say it's ok, you can just say the kadish. This doesn't cut it for me. I feel like I'd be dishonoring my mother's memory. Evidently saying kadish yosom is a b'deved but you should really be leading the prayer services. In Breuers they don't let anyone other than the bal tefilah say kadish for that very reason. Perhaps the pain will subside to a dull one but every time I see a photograph of her I'll always wonder....what if.....