Psychosomatic illness and stress...shloshim and other fun topics..

For those of you who have been following this blog, I had mentioned there was a in my family recently. I guess I may as well tell you a little bit more so you can appreciate the situation better. Perhaps this will be a theraputic session for myself. My mother was hit by a car and was suddenly taken away from me and my family. Words can not describe the way I feel since sometimes I feel nothing. Perhaps my brain will not allow me to comprehend the full aspect of this horrible tradegy. A defense mechanism if you will. I have dealt with tremendous stress in my life before getting married. There were some really close calls before I actually met my wife and I think an award would be in order. There is a concept in Torah that Hashem does not give you a test you can't withstand. I believe all these tradegies were there on some level to help me cope with this one. I have recently come down with a bad case of fever hitting about 102.5. Being that I rarely get sick ( bli ayin horah), I belive it to be brought on by my brain more so than an actuall illness. the other possibility is the stress caused a breakdown in my immune system. I knew my mother was an exemplary woman but until all these letters started streaming in not to mention that approx. 1200 people who attended the shiva I had no idea to what extent. Davening for the amud with a fever is a tough task. My mother is named after her grandmother and thier yartzhiets will end up just a day apart. I can't help thinking that thier neshomos are linked in some special way. I won't ask question's of Hashem only that he give us the emunah and consolation so I can move on. I miss my mother more than words can describe and I think it has yet to really sink in. My sickness is just a beginning to prove this.