Monday, September 26, 2005

Separate seat for your synagogue online!

I received this hysterical email:

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. Inorder for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)

___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ (Preference: ______________________ )
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: _______________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ )
___ logist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may
wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ __________________________

Your name: _________________________________

Building fund pledge: ___